And I wasn't Even Perfect
by mollymarine
Summary: Jules Callaghan is a remarkable and high calliber SRU officer respected and loved by her teammates. But her constant struggle to be perfect gets in the way. She now must decide if she is willing to pay the ultimate price to be perfect.
1. Chapter 1

"**And I wasn't even perfect"**

**Okay hope you guys like this. Be kind, but be truthful. This is my first fanfinction and in addition I haven't written in a really really long time. Forgive the grammar, forgive the spelling, and hopefully this doesn't suck to bad. Anyway reviews are welcome from all you experts. All you guys/gals make it look so easy with all the great stories. Oh, and I posted this and then unposted it and then now I'm really posting it. Sorry I'm really new to this, and my laptop is being weird......it is on the verge of dying on me or needing medical attention....which is 80% of the reason I posted and unposted. (oops).**

"_And I wasn't even perfect"….._ She kept hearing in her thoughts as she sat alone in her locker room. The echo of the sound of her voice kept getting louder and louder and she could focus on nothing else. She saved both Penny and Lily today, and reunited both with their parents. _"What could be more perfect Jules?"_ She asked herself.

But as she glanced at her reflection staring back at her, all she could see was imperfection. Her thoughts became excecessively louder as she recreated the events of the day in her head. All Jules could see was all the things she could have or should have done better.

"_So stupid Jules, so very stupid. You get busted again for not doing your psychological evaluation by the boss, and then you think even after a long day you can slack off and just go home and do nothing?. I mean really Jules, do you think an hour or 2 at the gym is really working out Jules_? _This is a man's_ _world your in sweetheart. You want to make Sergeant someday, then you need to work for it. And on top of that, no one wants you. Sam .....maybe but it won't last. You know how many beautiful woman he can have....and you think you can even compare? Maybe be for a month of 2, your not actually a super model now are you? "_ her reflection screamed. Jules suddenly awoke from her temporary trance and smirked at the fact she just caught herself having a ridiculous conversation with her reflection.

***********REWIND*********************************************

"_Daddy, daddy, please don't cry_" 7 year old Jules Callaghan said to her father as she climbed onto his lap, giving him the biggest hug in the world.

" _I'm sorry baby. Daddy is just going to miss mommy very much. Do you know how lucky I am Julianna to have you? You and your brothers, especially you. You are the greatest gift you mother ever gave me. When you smile and with those beautiful brown eyes, it reminds me of her you know? Suddenly Daddy's isn't so sad anymore sweetheart. But I do miss her sweetheart, your mother well she was just perfect". _Jack Callaghan said to his daughter as his hand stroked her chestnut brown hair.

"_Don't worry Daddy, I'm going to be perfect just like mommy when I grow up."_ a confident Jules proclaimed to her father as she gave him another huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. _"I will Daddy, I will, I'm going to be just like mommy. I love you so much daddy and I'm going to make mommy proud in heaven you'll see."_ Jules whispered softly in her father's ear.

"Sweetheart, your already perfect, and your mother and I are will always be proud of you" he said smiling to Jules, as he promised himself to never allow his little girl to ever forget her mother and how what a remarkable woman she was.

7 year old Jules made a promise to herself that day. She continued to hug her father as she quitely thought..... _"I'll be perfect daddy, so perfect just like mommy....Daddy won't cry for mommy anymore until we all see each other up in heaven someday."_

****************fastforward*********************************************

As Jules unlocked the door to her condo, she sighed and headed towards the kitchen as she plopped several bags of fast food on her kitchen counter, as if the rest of Team 1 would be joining her. But the truth was they weren't and in a trance like mode she began to endulge in the fast food. She couldn't stop, she was famished and she couldn't eat fast enough. It seemed like days that she hadn't had anything but water or coffee. All of a sudden she was painfully full. Too full that her so called dinner didn't feel satisfying, and made her sick, she raced to the bathroom.

Hovered over the toilet Jules began to purge herself. As she did so, she felt instant gratification that she didn't feel stuffed anymore. But she also felt a moment of absolute pleasure as if she was also purging herself of all the imperfections of the day. All the pain she felt inside, masked by her smile. All the pain of being unsure if you really belonged or if people really liked you. The pain of feeling that there was no one out there that could possibly love you back. The pain of never being quit good enough.......it's overwhelming.

She then glanced at her pale reflection again . "_I'm just tired and I work crazy shifts. I didn't eat anything yesterday and I got carried away to the point of making myself sick…..leave me alone alright it has been a long day." _she yelled loudly to herself. _"Great more conversations with myself, if I didn't know any better I think I might be going crazy"._

_**Should I continue? Or is this storyline totally boring and dumb? Review please bad, good, ugly.......let me know!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

In the middle of the night Jules Callaghan tossed and turned, sweating profusely in her sleep over the images that flashed in her mind. There she was seeing and feeling everything all over again. She could see in front of her, the man she loved with all her heart standing before her in front of a podium. But instead of being 35 years old, she was different. She was in her body but much younger, her hands were tinier and to her left was her 16 year old brother Matthew holding her hand gently whispering to her that everything would be alright. Next to Matthew she could see in the corner of her eye a glimpse of her other brothers Jake and Ryan. All of them had a sad look on their face. She hated the fact that all though she understood to some level what was happening, she felt nothing except knots in her stomach. Somehow she knew life as she knew it was never going to be the same again for her and her family.

As Jules focused her eyes in front of her, she saw her father with his left arm in a sling and all choked up as he centered the microphone close to him and attempted to speak.

"Friends_, family, and fellow police offers…….thank you. Thank you for the support you have provided my family and me during this difficult time." _Jack Callaghan sighed attempting to regain his composure.

"Isabella...._ Bell my wife is going to be greatly missed. She was my best friend, the mother of my children, my hero, and one of the finest police officers on the force. There were so many great things about her, so many things she still needed to do and she sacrificed it all to save me and the city of Toronto from a mad man." _The tears began to swell in Jack Callaghan's eyes. He began to shake as he took deep breaths and continued.

He then felt a warm tiny loving hand grab his. And there he saw his little girl, Jules looking up at him with those eyes giving him the confidence to continue_. "We lost 16 people this week from the Tower Sniper to include my wife. But what most of you don't know is she saved me. She shielded me with her body as more shots were fired. I know in my heart, Bell did this for me and for our children because we were her life and she was ours. She sacraficed herself for me and in the line of duty. Until death do us part and don't let them forget that mommy loves them, was the last thing she said to me. And then she was gone. Oh god she was gone"_ Jack's voice quivered.

_"Matthew, Jake, Ryan, and Jules your mother was perfect and an extraordinary woman. Be successful, make her and I even prouder. Through you she will live on, and through you I find my strength now. It may seem impossible for us to be without her. But we need to find away to be happy anyway and for you to succeed and not allow her passing to go in vain. Succeed and be the loving children she raised."_ he said with as much conviction as he stared into each and everyone of his children's eyes.

**_"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...."_** the sound of the alarm broke her from her sleep. Jules leaned to her side. She placed her hand on her heart as it pounded. She felt so panicked and overwhelemed with emotion from her dream. She leanded over to stop the beeping of the alrarm clock and saw it was 5:30AM. IT was time to get up and start her shift.

***************AT HQ HEADQUARTERS************************************

"_Hey Kira. My aren't we looking so fresh and beautiful this Monday morning"_ Sam Braddock smirked and said sarcastically.

Kira giggled as she was onto him. _"What do you want Braddock. Well I know what you want, I just want to here you say it."_

He smiled back. "Okay you got me. So are we all set? I just found out from Sarge Team 1 is scheduled for our PFT tomorrow and then weigh in. So while we are out doing our physical fitness test and running the obstacle course I thought you could slip this inside her locker?" he said nervously as he handed her an envelope with Jules's name on it.

"_God Braddock, you know you are so so lucky I'm a hopeless romantic" _as Kira winked at Sam and took the envelope. _"You owe me big Mr."_

"_You're a doll Kira. If it works out, I promise our first child, if it is girl will be named Kira"._ Sam yelled to her as he skipped off to the men's locker room like he just won the lottery.

****************Outside the parking lot of HQ Headquarters*********************

"_Blow it off Jules, blow it off. It happened, it's in the past. You've dealt with it, and it was just a dream." _Jules said to her as she sat in her jeep.

As she grabbed her purse and her duffell bag she heard a loud voice inside her head again. _"Oh Jules, forgetting something? Let's see it is going to be a 12 hour shift and we wouldn't want you pigging out again now would we? If you had more discipline then I wouldn't need to remind you, now would I?"_

Jules then opened the front storage compartment in the passenger side of her Jeep. She stared at all the diet pills and laxatives she stored underneath her car insurance and vehicle registration. She opened each bottle and with the bottle of water in her hand began popping diet pills one by one as she walked towards the SRU HQ building.

**REVIEW PLEASE. SORRY IF I'M DRAGGING. I'LL GET TO THE POINT NEXT CHAPTER. BUT I FELT IT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT TO GO BACK TO JULES' PAST BEFORE I START CHAPTER 3. THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS AND KIND WORDS. AGAIN REVIEWS ARE WELCOMED....GOOD BAD AND UGLY. I'M STILL WORKING ON MY GRAMMAR, SPELLING, FRAGMENTED SENTENCES. HOPE THIS DOESN'T SUCK. ALSO WOKRING ON HAVING MORE CONFIDENCE IN WHAT I WRITE. HOPE ALL YOU ENJOY THIS. OH AND, NEXT UPDATE MAY NOT HAPPEN UNTIL FRIDAY. :0(**


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

**Wanted to get something up before Friday. Didn't really proof this, well I kinda did but again its late. This Chapter sort of drags. I like it better towards the end. But I don't do well with all the dialogue but didnt' know how else to write this. Anyway, Chapter 4 is when I promise to expose Jules dark secret to a member of the team, and where you find out what Kira is doing for Sam. There I let a little spoiler out on what I have for Chapter 4. So please be kind in your reviews. Because I'm very iffy about this Chapter.**

"_Happy Monday boys and gal" _stated Sergeant Gregory Parker as he entered the briefing room._ "Today we are going to hit the gym hard and run the obstacle course in preparation for tomorrow's weigh in and PT test. " _

"_Great, you mean another training for training..Again????" _Spike announced smiling sarcastically at his teammates who all chuckled at his comment.

"_Listen, we are here to represent Toronto's finest. And part of that folks is not only getting the cool pants, but making sure you look extremely good in the cool pants_" Ed commented. "_Jules makes it look easy,….but we can't have her being the only one that looks good. Now granted everyday is a Jules Day." _Unable to resist Jules gave Ed a friendly but firm punch on the shoulder as she winked at him.

"_Copy that_" echoed the rest of the team.

"_Okay well let get to the gym before we get any calls. Umm, Jules if you can stick around for a bit_ _I_ _need to get with you on a couple of things_" Sergeant Parker stated.

"_Sure Boss"_ Jules said nervously. _What now, I already signed up for the Psych eval, I just haven't_ _actually had time to go to see the Therapist yet._

As the rest of the team exited Jules began to fidget with her hands as she saw she was finally alone with her Sergeant._. "So what's up Boss?"_ she said looking up at him.

_"I've already signed up for the psych eval and I had no problems overcoming my two biggest fears. Being human and not being perfect. As a matter of fact you said it yourself the planets aligned last Friday. Both girls are home safe and sound with their families.... ."_Jules playfully rambling her thoughts to him, hoping she wasn't sounding defensive.

"_That was a good job Jules. It really was. But I had to skip of to Dallas on Friday so try and see my son. And we never got to finish our conversation. Jules, aside from the psych eval, every year there is a PT test and weigh in you tend to go a little bonkers". _Greg Parker sighed and slowly thought more about what he was going to say next to her.

"_But Sarge I_…" she tried to get a quick sentence in but she wasn't quick enough for the experience negotiator.

"_Jules, if you're afraid to make mistakes its going to get in your way. I think you know that. I think it's great that you take the PT test and weigh in seriously and go to extremes. I think you nuts personally running 5 miles to warm up for it….but well" _he smiled at her and then gave Jules the serious face.

"_It's all nerve wracking for all of us Jules.. The PT test is something we all have to pass to stay in the SRU. I know the stakes are high. And no matter how many times you do it, its always in the back of your head this will be the day you might not pass and that ends your career with the SRU._ " He paused briefly in deep thought.. "_But Jules, I have to tell you striving for perfection……well it's uh setting yourself up for instant failure. It's simply not attainable" _he shook his head at her_. _

As she looked back at him and proceeded to get up the chair Jules looked at Greg and said " _I'm working on it. I just don't want to make a mistake like she….my mother did. I don't want ruin the lives of the people around me and the people we were meant to protect."_

Standing next to her, Greg patted Jules on the shoulder. _"Your mother saved so many people that day and saved your father. Now how can that be a mistake huh?"_

Jules looked at him and gestured in agreement trying to hold the tears forming in her eyes and headed to the locker room.

_*******SRU Lobby**************************************_

"_Okay Kira here you go_" as Sam handed her a heavy bag.

_"Sam, there is 12 pad locks in here…..oh wait 12 pad locks for 12 lockers representing the 12 roses you would send to her if you weren't on the same team…."_ Kira sarcastically stated trying to hold her laughter in.

_"Seriously Kira, Are we all set? You can set up everything after we leave..... to run the obstacle course..right? It has be done before we come back for the weigh in. I owe you big time if you pull this off for me"_ Sam stated as he proceeded to make puppy dog eyes begging her to agree.

"_Okay I'm going to do this for you. But here is 9 locks back. 3 is enough Sam, just like 3 roses. I'm not putting 12 clues in 12 lockers like she is on a scavenger hunt. It is a little bit over board don't you think? Were you seriously listening to the 12 days of Christmas again? All your shooting for is a first date right?"_ she paused_. "Your trying to go for the gentleman caller motif right?..... and not trying to go all stalker on Jules?" as she began to laugh. The truth was she thought it was adorable what Sam was trying to do and what he was willing to do for Jules_. Kira normally played by the book, but even though it was a little bit against regulations and behind his owns teams back ,she couldn't help it. She wanted to do this for him and she wanted to do it for Jules.

_"You're the best Kira…..and when Troy and I go out tonight I promise to play match maker. He needs a girl like you to keep him straight. Team 3 would be so thankful if you would just go out with the man"_ Sam replied as he tried to make a quick get away so as not to give Kira chance to comment back.

Kira shook her head in laughter.

*********SRU Woman's locker room*************************

Jules sat on the bench staring at her reflection momentarily to gain composure before meeting up with the Team in the gym. She knows the conversation with Greg was not a reprimand. But a conversation from Boss showing he cares for his team and their welfare. Deep down inside she felt lucky to be under Greg Parker's command. But to Jules, it was impossible not to internalize the conversation that had just occured. At the moment the conversation with Greg, the anxiety of having to do the PT course tomorrow, being inspected in her SRU uniform, and the memories of her mother was more than she could handle. The overwhelming thoughts she had was defeaning. So she did the only thing she knew how to do,

She opened her locker and took a box of cookies stashed in the very back compartment of her locker. She began to devour all of it in just minutes. She then proceeded to the toilet and did the one thing she knew how to do and how to control but even that wasn't enough. Afterall she did purge the evening before and had absolutely nothing but diet pills and water this morning. She had to do something to control the pain she was feeling. Jules took a razor out of her locker, and started cutting. She began making small cuts with the razor until the her feelings were numbed by the pain she inflicted on her leg.

**Weren't expecting her to do that were ya? Reveiw please....Next update really can't be until Friday. But I'll do my best, unless you Scorpio for even posting this Chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

An overwhelming sense of relief fell before her as Jules entered the locker room.

_Glad that is over with, at least for another 6 months_ she thought_. _Although she didn't beat the raining champion Mr. Wordsworth in his 6 minute flat completion time of the obstacle course, she did smoke Lou and dusted Spike and that is all that matter.

"_Hmm so I've lost 5lbs and weighed in 120lbs ,with 8lbs being the Kevlar...happy? Nah, too bad the 5lbs weight lost only can be seen on the scale." _Jules thought to herself as she irritably looked and scrutinized every inch of her body as she stood in front of the mirror.

"_Nice large hips…why do I have be short and stalk anyway?.… Okay self, I just have to work harder, eat right and just cut out meat from my diet for a little while and no bread. Definetely no bread." _Jules disappointedly said to herself. Somewhere in the back of her mind was still the voice of reason. The voice of reason that wanted her to eat like a normaly human being and not deprieve and continue to starve herself.

_" And, nothing is wrong with me either. This is just healthy dieting so I can look great in a dress and just be noticed. Really noticed for me, not because I'm a girl Sniper in a SRU uniform. The weigh in is over so no more puking…and the deal with the razor…I was just upset. Right? Of course I'm right. I'm Jules Callaghan" _she began contemplating and trying to convince herself nothing was wrong. But at the core of her very being, she knew. There was no denying to she had a problem. After all if what she was doing was remotely normal why hide it from everyone, especially the guys she referred to as _Family._

******************REWIND********************************************************

As Kira entered the SRU woman's locker room, she survey's the area to make sure she was alone and then proceeds to carry in a military sea bag.....a very heavy sea bag.

"_Braddock you owe me big time." _she mumbled to herself as she dropped the heavy sea bag to the floor.

_"I wonder what all this stuff in the bag is?. For your sake Sam, this stuff better mean something to Jules. At least I hope it does. I sure hope you know what your…" _her thoughts interrupted as she heard the click of the security lock unlock the locker room door. In a state of panic Kira wedges herself in between a small space between another row of lockers as Jules nears her line of sight.

"_Okay were back early. They can't be done with the weigh in. No way. May be she has to go to the bathroom before the weigh in. Shit, come on Jules for once don't be a good cop and notice the seabag" _Kira silently thought crossing her fingers.

Jules being engrossed in thought and rushing to put her bullet proof vest on to meet up with the team for the Commander's weigh in, overlooks the huge green sea bag on the floor next to her locker..

Realizing Jules had completely missed the bag, Kira slowly breaths a sigh of relief. Thinking Jules would soon leave after grabbing her gear, Kira was then taken back as she observed the rest of Jules' actions. _"What the hell………?"_ She silently exclaimed as she felt overwhelming sadness toward her friend and counterpart fill her heart as she secretly continued to watch Jules.

**TBC**

**DON'T WORRY I ALWAYS KEEP MY PROMISES. JUST HAD TO BREAK IT ALL DOWN. I'LL UPDATE AGAIN TOMORROW, MAYBE SATURDAY WITH THE CHAPTER THAT DISCLOSES WHAT KIRA DID FOR SAM AND WHAT SAM IS DOING FOR JULES. HOPEFULLY YOU WILL THINK IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT, OR JUST SCORPIO ME;0). IT HAS BEEN A REALLY BUSY WEEK. BUT I WANTED TO GET SOMETHING UP BY FRIDAY AS PROMISED.**

**REVIEWS WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Ideas for Jule's list and the special thing Sam is doing for her were taken and modified from the movie "A walk to Remember"**

**CHAPTER 5**

As she manned the switchboard, Kira attempted to put her best face on, hoping no one would notice she was preoccupied. All she could focus on was Jules and what she had witnessed in the locker room. Female Constables always were a team all on their own in any Headquarters they were stationed in. They were not only officers but they were woman in a profession suited for men; at least that was the stereo typical opinion in society. They had different challenges placed upon them aside from just being a cop. Challenges of proving they could do it just as good as the men physical and mentally. The challenge of being attracted to the opposite sex and vise versa when you were on the same team. But the most challenging was competing with men twice your size and strength and being scrutinized harder for the way you looked in uniform and your weight being some what of a personal matter with most woman suddently being announced to the whole Police force every month. It takes a lot of getting use too.

Kira contemplated Jules behavior hoping to convince herself that there wasn't a problem. She didn't want to know her friend was in trouble. _Too bad there was no denying_ _it_ Kira thought. At first she was hoping when she heard Jules throwing up in the bathroom she was just sick or maybe nerves. Weighing in did that to most of them, even the male officers. But then she saw Jules flushing down enormous amounts of food in the toilet, and the worse was when she witnessed Jules taking a razor and cutting herself by her lower left waistline and suddenly having a euphoric expression on her face. Kira knew all to well Jules was a bulimic, probably with anorexic tendancies, along with the cutting. Kira knew because she had similar issues, until the death of her best friend from the same sickening disease opened her eyes to reality. It is never about the weight or looking good. It is always much deeper than that and Kira debated if she should tell Sergeant Parker or maybe speak to Sam. Kira had not been working in the SRU long enough and didn't know if it was too much of a risk of confronting Jules. Kira knew all to well the last thing Jules needed was more stress and fear of the Team finding out and then possibly being placed on medical leave.

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted with a hand waving across her face as she realized Ed, Spike, and Sam where standing around her.

"What's up Kira?" smiled Ed, continuing to get Kira's attention by waving his hand in front of her face. "You okay there? He asked.

"Oh Hey Ed. Everything is great" Kira smiled back at Ed, hoping they wouldn't notice she was upset. "Sorry, I didn't sleep well last night....allergies it's driving me crazy."

"How did everything go?" She asked all of them.

"Great. Greg still outweighed all of us. Spike, here gained 5 pounds coming back from vacation" Ed laughed as Spike elbowed him.

"Now don't forget the most incredible phenomenon?" Spike interjected

"Spike it is not a "phenomenon" that you eat a few of your mother's meatballs over vacation and gained 5 pounds and Jules could eat the same amount and lose 5 lbs. " Sam told Spike as he put his arm around Spike shoulders. "The actual phenomenon is how Jules completely kicked your ass and dusted you in record time, at 5 foot 1inches and 120lbs. You totally got your ass kicked by a chick" he continued laughing at look on Spike's face.

"Uhhh…but she also kicked Lou's ass also, and I'm not alone " Spike chuckled

"I swear….that girl has got some metabolism or has a pocket treadmill. Jules' has out eaten me a couple of times. And the question I have is where does she put it?" Ed sarcastically said as Spike and Sam nodded in agreement as they all busted out laughing.

"Briefing in 5" Greg yelled as he stepped halfway out of the briefing to make sure they could all hear him.

Spike and Ed headed for the briefing room as Sam slowly followed taking short steps waiting for Spike and Ed to gain more distance. He then turned to Kira "Everything copasetic?" he asked excitedly.

"Yeah….its all set up" Kira responded without any expression.

"Thanks, that really sounded convincing" Sam stated with concern. "Really did it all go okay" Sam asked her again.

"Look Sam, everything is all set up, I followed your instructions to the tee. But I think you and Scott and the testosterone competition both of you are having needs to stop." Kira snapped. "I just think Jules is under a lot of pressure right now and the last thing she needs on her plate is trying to choose between you and Scott. On top of making sure you two don't kill each other. Just back off Sam". As soon as she finished her sentence, she wished she could take her words back, knowing it was too late.

"Thanks a lot Kira" Sam angrily replied as he stormed off towards the briefing room.

"S-A-M wait" Kira yelled out as Sam slowly disappeared into the briefing room.

******************************REWIND - TWO WEEKS EARLIER AT THE SRU PARKING LOT*************************************************************

"Hey Jules, wait up" Sam yelled running towards Jules who was headed towards her jeep after they had just completed a long 12 hour shift.

Jules turned her head briefly to see Sam walking and continued until she got to her jeep and Sam caught up to her.

"Where you going?" Sam asked. "I was thinking we could go grab a coffee and a bite to eat. What do you think?"

"Sam...I don't want you to take this the wrong way but" Jules tried to say as Sam interrupted.

"Jules it's not like you're dating Scott and yeah I know he is going to be back tomorrow night from Afghanistan. But we have been hanging out a lot, and I really enjoy your company. So come on, what do you say?" Sam pleaded with Jules hoping she would accept.

Jules smiled and couldn't resist the offer; she was starving for the obvious reasons and thought Sam's company would help. "Okay" she stated.

"But Sam, were friends okay and I'm going to tell Scott the same. If I didn't work with you things would be different, but it's not worth getting personal. I'm sorry but the team comes first" Jules stated sternly looking Sam in the eye as she hoped he would say something to convince her otherwise.

Sam looked at Jules thinking _Did I just here her say she wants to be with me?_

"Really I'm making the same thing clear to Scott. I know both of you want me to choose, but it won't work either way. "You work with me and as for Scott" Jules sighed "Well he is just uncommitted and always deployed. Plus you two are close friends and I don't ever want to get in the way of that. It's too much, I need to focus on the team" Jules adamantly stated.

"Look let's not worry about it tonight okay. Primary mission coffee and some dinner" Sam said with a smile. He always knew how to interrupt her when she was too serious and needed to relax.

"Okay, okay, tomorrow though we need to talk" Jules smiled. "I'll follow you on your bike then?" Jules said as Sam nodded agreement.

As Jules climbed into her Jeep, she didn't realize one of the pockets on her backpack he was carrying had slowly unzipped and a black diary slowly falls out of it without her noticing.

Backing her jeep up from the parking lot she sped off to the drive way where she would wait for Sam to pull out with his motorcycle.

Sam turning towards his bike sees the black book and picks it up. He glances through the book and discovers the book was a diary from Jules's mother by the inscription in the opening. He then reads a small piece of paper placed in between the pages._ Only for you Jules, only for you sweetheart _as he takes the diary and places it inside his backpack before turning his motorcycle engine on.

********************************Fast Forward - SRU Woman's Locker Room********************************************************************************************

After a long day with the PFT and weigh in and 2 hot calls, Jules was ready to go home and put this day behind her. She unlocked her locker to get a change of clothes when she noticed her mother's journal in her locker with a message in a bottle placed on top of it. _What the heck... _she thought as she pulled the message out of the bottle and read:

_Dear Jules,_

_Don't worry I didn't break into your locker. You know how Kira needed to borrow your curling iron the other day? Well that's pretty much how we got the combo to your lock. We will figure out the work thing between us, I promise....we are worth the risk Jules. We can tell Scott together, we can figure it all out. Am I convincing you yet?_

_You dropped this couple of weeks ago before we left for dinner. I hope you didn't miss it too much. I meant to give it back. But the slip of paper with your list fell and I just couldn't resist....you know the list which had your top 4 as being:_

_1. for me to know and you to find out_

_2. Witness a Miracle_

_3. Figure out who I am and do it on purpose_

_4. Find and see Saturn someday_

_Anyway don't kill me but you can cross out #10 from your list. "Finding a message in a bottle". Sorry if I could figure out how to get you near a beach and throw the bottle in the ocean and somehow insure you get it I would of. Believe me I looked into it. (Smile)._

_I also wanted you to be able to cross out #9 from the list, which is to be granted 3 wishes. So if you look to the left of your locker you will notice I locked up 3 lockers. In these 3 lockers are 3 wishes from your list. You can only open one for now. The combination is the 5 digit date of when we first met. (Does that count as witnessing a miracle that I actually found 3 locks at the store that had that had the date of when we met? Yeah, I didn't think so")._

_Empty the contents of which ever locker and I'll meet you at 6:30AM your place. Don't worry each locker has the instructions of exactly what you need to do. I'm hoping soon you will trust me with what your #1 is._

_Love,_

_Sam_

After reading the letter Jules could not stop grinning from ear to ear. She couldn't believe someone was willing to do something so special and so selfless for her. As much as it warmed her heart, the worries of how much she wanted to be with Sam scared her. All the pressure and worry about telling Scott, and what do her and Sam do about the team?. Scott and Sam had been friends for a long time it turns out and she didnt' want to get in the way of that. But Scott was always deployed, and there was always something between her and Sam from the very beggining. It was a lot of pressure for Jules. "_How could I be deserving of something so great like this? I don't deserve you Sam_ "said the voice of insecurity to Jules. Jules then took the small razor out of her locker. "_Just one last time, I just need to get through tonight"_ she said to herself as she stared at her reflection.

**TBC**

**HOPE TO UPDATE SOONER THAN FRIDAY. SORRY I WAS LITTLE LONG WINDED WITH THIS CHAPTER. I HOPE ALL YOU ENJOY IT.**

**REVIEWS PLEASE**


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

Sam Braddock sat on the bench with his head down and hands on his knee staring at his locker in deep thought. The rest of Team 1 had already headed home looking forward to having the next 2 days off after an extremely long week. By now Sam knew Jules had already read his letter but was perturbed by Kira's remarks towards him earlier in the day.

He needed to get to the bottom of what was wrong with Jules. Kira didn't have to say much, but Sam knew whatever was wrong or went wrong in the locker room was Kira's unspoken code something wasn't right with Jules. Determined, Sam headed out of the locker room to confront Kira, but was soon interrupted by the virbration of his cell phone in his coat pocket. Sam stops to pull his cell phone and as he does he see's an incoming text message which read:

"_I have the cool biker outfit and helmet , Locker#2. Combo 6-10-08 (date I almost pointed a gun at you). BTW I don't believe bike clothes/mortocycle was on my list (smile). I'm intrigued. #11 Memorable Serendipity Moments was and is not checked & closed. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me Sam. See you tonight. Love, Jules"_

Smiling nonchalantly Sam could not take his eyes off the text message from Jules'. He would read that over and over again promising to hang onto that text forever. Being accustomed to being quite the ladies man, Sam never went the extra mile to pursue any of them. They were just there, girls that would come and go like characters from a book, until Jules Callaghan entered his life. Jules was unexplainably different. He was still getting to know her as his teammate and deeper level. As he did he naturally found himself wanting to desperately hand her the world if it was in his means too.

"_Okay Sam, don't let Kira get to you. You have your first date with Jules. I hope she knows it's a date. Nah doesn't' matter. Tonight is about Jules." _Sam thought to himself as he finally got excited again and headed out of the locker room to enjoy a couple of days off, hoping both days would be with Jules. But his excitement was short lived when he found Kira waiting outside the locker room for him.

"Sam about earlier…" Kira nervously said.

"Hey it's no big deal, don't worry about it. Thanks for everything. I'm going to pick up Jules in an hour" Sam said trying to avoid whatever Kira was going to tell him. Somehow in his gut he knew it was not something he wanted to hear.

In order to avoid and take control of the conversation Sam continued on to say "Look, your right about Scott and me pressuring Jules to make a choice. At some point she is going to have to choose. But I'm not pressuring her. I – I-I love her Kira okay. And she can take as long as she wants, no pressure. At least not from me. I'll be okay no matter what she decides and she knows this".

_Okay I'm lying; I would be completely crushed if Jules didn't want to be with me. _Sam stared Kira down with a conviction written in his eyes. Sam was determined not to allow anyone especially Kira to interfere with the special evening he had planned for Jules.

"Sam STOP!" Kira snapped in frustration. "Jules is in trouble and needs help".

Sam stood in silence completely taken back as Kira proceeded to divulge everything she witnessed in the locker room and her concern for Jules.

For Sam Braddock time seemed to stop unable to move backwards or forward. _Not Jules, not Jules_ was the only words he could say.

**TBC**

**Thanks for all the reviews. Keep them coming. Not to sure about this chapter but needed a chapter to lead in to an awesome Chapter 7 coming your way. (I hope ;0)).**

**Please Review. I'll try to update by Friday maybe Saturday. Just wanted to keep this going.**


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER - JUST WANTED TO CONTINUE TO POINT OUT JULES LIST THAT THEY KEEP CROSSING OFF CAME FROM THE MOVIE "A WALK TO REMEMBER". IDEAS WERE BORROWED AND MODIFIED TO SUIT THIS STORY ;0)**

**CHAPTER 7**

Sam raced to Jules' house in his silver Kawasaki Ninja ZX 14, letting the cool Toronto wind brush against him. He was always able to find some solace in riding, but not this time. His thoughts lingered on Jules having an eating disorder and everything Kira communicated to him. _How could I be so self engrossed not to notice she needed me? How could the Team not notice?_ The more Sam dwelled over his concern for Jules, the more the speed of his bike accelerated until a red traffic light jolted him back to reality. _Don't make things worse Sam by getting killed, you need to be there for Jules._

As Sam approached Jules' home he made a quick decision, that despite what Kira told him, he would stick to the plan and not allow this to interfere with the surprise he had planned for Jules. He wasn't denying the problem or diminishing the severity of Eating Disorders, he was merely planning out how to discuss it with Jules. Sam didn't know much about Eating Disorders, but he knew enough about cutting in his line of work to put two and two together. He knew it was always deeper than the physical damage one inflicted upon them and decided no matter the outcome, Sam knew he would be there for her.

Once he pulled his motorcycle into Jules' driveway all his thoughts melted away. _Problem, what problem? She looks amazing._

"Hey" Jules smirked. "Umm, don't get to use to this okay? Because there will come a day when I'm wearing a dress, and I _will_ refuse to ride on your bike." she continued to giggle.

"So how do I look?" she asked. "You have great taste in Biker clothes, the size is perfect and very comfy by the way".

"Amazing" Sam chuckled. "Double whammy, sexy sniper chick with a smidge of sexy biker chick. I love it"

"You followed my instructions?" He asked Jules as he stood closely to her with his hands around her waist.

"Yup, toothbrush packed, and weekend essentials checked." She giggled with a puzzled look. "But Sam, I'm not wearing the same clothes for 2 days. And where are we going?"

Sam gave her the amazing grin which made her stomach flip every time. He then responded and said "I got you. You'll see. Only disclaimer is you get to wear the backpack for the whole ride".

While Sam helped Jules put the backpack on Jules cell phone began to ring. She stared at the called ID where it showed Scott was calling her. Today was the day Scott had returned from Afghanistan.

"Are you going to get that?" Sam asked trying to hide the fact he saw Scott's name flash on the caller ID of her cell phone.

Jules then hit the ignore button and said "It's Scott. And no... Can we just go and deal with it when we get back?" She then turned her cell phone off completely as Sam nodded in agreement.

After riding for 3 hours with Jules arms wrapped around Sam's waist, for a brief moment Jules felt as if she was the luckiest girl in the world and life was finally coming full circle. She then saw the city sign where Toronto ended and Ontario began as Sam slowly pulled them over to the side of the highway. As they both got off the bike, Sam grabbed her hand and had them running in the middle of the highway.

They were both laughing and giggling although Jules had no idea what crazy idea Sam had in store. "Okay" Sam said holding her hand. "Put your right foot here and your left foot there" he instructed her.

"Okay. Now what?" Jules asked curiously still having no clue what was going on.

"Well, now you can cross of #5." He said as his blue eyes sparkled at her.

Jules looked around and realized what Sam had done when she saw the sign leaving Toronto and the sign welcoming them to Ontario.

"#5, you're finally in two places at once" Sam laughed out loud as Jules lunged forward to put her arms around him as he lifted her off her feet hugging her back.

***********************Fast Forward Sauble Beach, Ontario Private Resort*******************************************************************************************************

To her surprise, their final destination lead them to a private cottage in Sauble Beach, Ontario. Sam had thought of everything down to all the accomodations including change of clothing and any apparel she may need for their special weekend. She didn't ask how he could afford all of this as much as she wanted to. Instead, Jules wanted to loath in the moment. A really amazing and beautiful moment, that felt almost too surreal.

They walked to a local grocery store in the evening and returned to the private cottage and barbequed and drank wine. Jules and Sam sat and walked the beach barefoot absorbing every moment of the sound of the waves crashing and the way the evening air felt and simply talking. They talked about their feelings for each other, and what they would do briefly about the team and Scott when they got back.

They kissed and made love for the very first time that night and held each other not ever wanting the day to end. Sam briefly forgot he even needed to confront Jules and decided to wait. He had been with her all day. _She just had dinner with me and she is fine. Nothing out of the ordinary, why ruin the moment._

At 3AM Jules suddenly woke up from her sleep. She realized she her head pressed against Sam's chest. She kissed him and slowly attempted to get out of bed trying not to wake him. She found the sneakers and some work out clothes Sam had packed for her. _How he got into my closet, I have no idea. I'll have to interrogate him about that._

Jules tiptoed her way out to of the cottage and started a 6 mile run. Upon her return she snuck back in the cottage and began obsessively moving furniture around to make some room for her to continue to exercise. Jumping jacks, sit ups, running in place. She did this vigorously in a trance like mode like she didn't know who she was anymore. She could not stop until she felt two hands shaking her shoulders and heard Sam saying "Jules".

"Jules, stop. Stop Jules". He said calmly but sternly trying to bring her back to reality. "What are you doing baby?" He asked wanting to hear her admit to it.

"I--I-I" was all Jules could say

Sam then grabbed her and held her as they sat on the floor as Jules began to breakdown crying over the overwhelming pain and humiliation she felt inside. What was happening to her?

All Sam could do, was continue to hold her. "I'm here Jules, you're not alone. We will get through this together, I promise" he whispered as he proceeded to kiss her forehead.

"What is wrong with me?" Jules asked fearfully.

**TBD**

**ENJOY! THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN ON BED REST WHILE ON TYLENOL FLU. ;0(**

**REVIEWS PLEASE.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_What is harder? To count on someone or to know you're the one being counted upon?_ The question haunted Jules all morning the day after her exercise meltdown in front of Sam. But as she looked out into the ocean holding a cup of coffee in her hand, she realized the question has plagued her for the majority of her life since age 7. It is the question which defined her career path and quest for perfectionism. You see Jules already answered the question a long time go, when she subconsciously decided being counted upon was the most important responsibility for a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife, and especially as an SRU officer to have.

From the kitchen Sam Braddock wearing only pajama bottoms watched Jules from the balcony of the beach house staring out into the ocean. He wondered what was going through her mind at that point. Sam knew they needed to talk more about last night, but he couldn't help the warm feeling he felt looking at her. There was something mesmerizing about Jules Callaghan. She looked absolutely beautiful sitting in the balcony drinking a cup of coffee by the ocean. There was an extra softness in the way she looked that morning, which captivated Sam further. _Your perfect and beautiful Jules, inside and out if only I knew away to get you to see it for yourself. _

With his own cup of coffee and the coffee pot, Sam stepped out onto the balcony to join Jules, gesturing for her to allow him to refill her cup.

"Hey You. Penny for your thoughts" Sam said putting his arms around Jules and giving her a kiss on the neck as he proceeded to take a seat next to her. "Is that your mom's journal?" He asked staring at a black leather book Jules had clutched closed to her chest.

"Yeah. I just wanted to feel like she was here with me this morning." Jules stated as she closed her eyes to embrace the cool ocean breeze in her face.

Jules gave an uncertain smile and was unable to hold Sam's gaze as she started to speak. "I'm really sorry about last night. I don't' know…" she sighed "I can understand if this is more than what you bargained for. We can…" she continued but was interrupted by Sam.

"Jules you don't have to be sorry about anything" Sam said as he grabbed her hand. "Well get you help. I don't know too much about Eating Disorders and what you're going through but we can learn together and fix it okay? And it doesn't have to be all done in one day." He said squeezing her hand.

"Thanks. But I don't need you to be my hero or fix this for me Sam" Jules responded more defiant than ever

"I'm not trying to be your hero Jules, and I don't feel sorry for you either. I just want you to let me in and allow me to be there for you." Sam commented taking both of her hands and putting them into his to get her to relax.

After having her hands in his and looking into Sam's eyes she couldn't resist. The simple truth was she needed him and the feeling of having someone to share your darkest secrets with was a breath of relief for her.

"You know we don't have to be back at HQ until noon tomorrow. So let's enjoy the rest of the day here and take care of #8" He continued to smile at her, trying to lighten up the mood further.

"Sam, Seriously? You hate the water being from the dessert" Jules started to giggle, almost forgetting for a minute about her problems. "Surfing really?" she asked.

He gave her that smile again, that melted her heart and said with a giggle "Yeah, we have surf class in 3 hours. No worries okay? The last thing I want is for us to drown and that is why we have an instructor."

"Anyway, before we do that. Are you ever going to tell me about that?" He asked glancing over to her mother's journal.

"Yeah, it was my mother's" Jules responded placing her hand over the books cover. "It's got a list of her favorite books, her favorite quotes, her to do list, her thoughts". She smiled warmly.

For the rest of the day Jules opened up to Sam about her mother and how close they were. Jules explained to Sam about the list he was so eager to fulfill for her. It was a game she explained between her mother and her. A list of all these things she didn't think she could do or thought were impossible to accomplish.

"We started playing the game with each other since I was 5 when I asked her what the word "faith" meant". Jules said to Sam teary eyed. "Anyway you can figure out the rest, what the purpose of the list is….she wanted me to have faith that nothing was impossible".

"I've been playing the game ever since. And up until now I didn't think faith existed" She looked up at his crystal blue eyes.

"That's beautiful Jules" Sam responded. "You ready? Why don't we forget about everything and take care of #8 from you list then, and watch my Samtasic surfing skills?" he sarcastically stated.

Jules and Sam had a fantastic weekend together, despite the exercise meltdown. Somehow they managed to put the worries of life on the back burner until they returned to Toronto. After a hilarious attempt at surfing, they packed up and headed back for the 3 hour ride back home. Jules' dreaded the ride home, knowing she would have to begin dealing with reality soon. But at the same time she felt a sense of relief that she made her decision and knew Sam wanted to be with her also._ One less pressure of my plate. May be not. Oh please don't let that be......_

Pulling into Jules' drive way they were stunned at what awaited them.

"Hey Jules" Scott said annoyingly. "Hey Sam glad to see that it doesn't' take long for you to move in on my girlfriend."

**TBC**

**HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CHAPTERS WERE YOU JUST STRUGGLE WRITTING, PROBABLY BECAUSE THIS STORY IS NEARING THE END**

**DON'T SCORPIO ME. SCOTT IS JUST SAYING HI! ;0**


	9. Chapter 9

**DISCLAIMER: AFTER A WHILE – BY VERONICA SHOFFSTALL**

**CHAPTER 9**

_#3 – Figure Out who you are and do it on Purpose _she realized was one wish Sam Braddock was incapable of granting her. This was the one thing she decided she needed to do for herlself, as she laid in her hospital bed alone deep in thought. Today was her 1 month anniversary at the Eating Disorder Recovery Center.

After returning several weeks ago from their 2 day weekend expedition, things sadly spun out of control for Jules Callaghan. Scott had not taken her decision to be with Sam very well and through his relentless anger Scott went straight to Sergeant Gregory Parker to expose her and Sam's relationship. Everything in her life at that point felt surreal, as if she was no longer in charge of her destiny or her own body. Making it worse was never being confronted by Sergeant Parker, although she and Sam knew it would soon come in time.

Jules had reached her breaking point. In a manner of weeks her next weigh in at the SRU registered at 100lbs with a Kevlar vest. She was ashamed and could not fathom how to stop the roller coaster ride she was on. There was also no denying her problem anymore from Team 1.

With Sam by her side she admitted everything to Sergeant Parker and requested a temporary medical leave of absence and admitted herself to the Eating Disorder Recovery Center. That was the last she saw of Sam or the rest of the team.

Today would be the first day she would be allowed visitors. She anxiously waited hoping she would soon see Sam. _What if he doesn't come?_ She scribbled on her journal.

She had been journaling a lot as part of her therapy to better understand herself and as she anxiously awaited visiting hours she scribbled the following in her journal:

_After A While_

_After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a soul,_

_And you learn that love doesn't mean security,_

_And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,_

_And presents aren't promises,_

_And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child,_

_And you learn that sunshine burns if you get too much_

_So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,_

_Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers._

_And you learn that you really can endure,_

_That you really are strong, and that you really do have worth._

As she completed writting she heard a familiar voice.

"Hey Jules, How ya doing sweetheart?" as voice said from behind her.

"Sam", she softly said with tears in her eyes.

**TBC**

**NOT MY PROUDEST WORK. I'LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF YOU ON THE NEXT CHAPTER WHICH MAY BE THE FINAL CHAPTER.**

**PLEASE REVIEW GOOD OR BAD…REVIEWS ALWAYS WELCOMED.**


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

There he was standing in front of her after all these weeks. Sam Braddock stood outside her hospital door holding a plant smiling at her.

He sat by her bedside with a smile and leaned over to give her kiss, as if they had never been apart.

"So, explain something to me?" Jules looked at Sam as he proceeded to tidy up her room. It was one of the qualities Jules enjoyed about him. Underneath the cool almost cocky exterior lied a neat freak which Jules considered to be an added bonus.

"Flowers in a hospital" She sighed staring at the flowers Team 1 had sent her days ago. "Wow, thanks so much, there so pretty. Now you get to leave and now I get to sit here and watch them die." Jules sarcastically stated. She was extremely irritated at herself for being stuck in an Eating Disorder clinic for a month and getting herself in this situation in the first place.

He looked at her smiling as he dumped the dead flowers into the trash.

"It's the thought" Sam smirked at her.

"Short term thought." She snapped back. Although she looked forward to seeing Sam, she also needed to vent out her feelings. Unfortunately that person would be Sam. She had enough of having to vent out her feelings at the mandatory group therapy sessions she had been subjected too for the last month in the clinic.

"Well that's why I bought you the plant." He responded as he sat back down beside her bed side as he held her hand. "I'm thinking long term."

"How long are you thinking?" Jules pondered. _Is he seriously thinking I'm not going to beat this Eating disorder thing?_

"As long as it takes. I'll be here" he smiled as he realized the girl of his dreams who he had not seen for weeks was finally there close to him.

"Well, I don't plan on staying her for very long" Jules grinned at him. She had been carefully setting Sam up to tell him she would be home the following day.

"That's good. We are missing you bad." He replied feeling relieved to see the fight back in Jules eyes that he had not seen in a very long time.

"Yeah how bad?" she asked not planning on allowing him to answer. "So bad that it didn't stop the team from asking Donna back to fill my spot!" she winked at him.

Sam continued to smile at her. "I actually suggested Donna be put back on the team Jules" he nervously confessed. "I told the Boss once you get back I would take Donna's place on Team 3 and then you can have my spot."

For a brief moment time stood still for Jules as she gazed at Sam's eyes. _I wasn't expecting that response at all._

He did not have to explain anything else. She knew he was doing it in order for them to be together without either one of them being forced to sacrifice the job they loved so much. It was the most amazing feeling to know how much Sam loved her. It was at that moment Jules first told Sam she loved him.

"By the way Sam, I get to go home tomorrow." she whispered in Sam's ear as they embraced. "You didn't think I'd let an Eating Disorder kick my ass now would you?"

******NEXT DAY AT SRU HEADQUARTERS*******

"TEAM 1. GEAR UP! GEAR UP! HOT CALL!" Kira announced through the loud speaker. "Multiple Hostage situation at Eating Disorder Recovery Centre. 62 Charles East Street. "

"That's the clinic Jules is at " Lou yelled to Ed as he headed toward one of the black SUV's

As Sam completed the weapons check with Ed his cell phone began to ring with an unknown number on the caller id. He continued to get in the SUV with Ed. As he picked up the phone he heard Jules' voice on the other end"

_"Penny. Do you remember me?. My name is Jules and I'm the police officer who helped you go home to your parents. Remember Penny?" Jules calmly said._

_"Penny please. Please put the gun down. Let's talk about this" she continued to say attempting to calm Penny down._

"Boss. We've got ears. Looks like our subject is Penny Westler" Sam announced to the rest of Team 1 on his headset". "Jules dialed in on my cell."

"Copy that Sam". Sergeant Parker calmly responded "Kira, I need you to get Penny Westler's parents on the phone and get a squad car to drive them to the clinic ASAP."

"Copy that" Kira responded "I'm on it."

After a few seconds, Team 1 still enroute to the clinic had patched Sam cell phone call through. They had all been listening to the events unfold. But before they got there….they heard gun fire as the line went dead.

**TBC**

**SORRY FOR THE CLIFF HANGER. **

**IHEARTFLASHPOINT THIS ONE IS FOR YOU. I'M KEEPING THIS ALIVE JUST A LITTLE LONGER.**

**PLEASE REVIEW.**


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

Jules woke up feeling refreshed and excited. Today would be her last day waking up at the eating disorder clinic. Today would be the day of a new life for her and she was looking forward to having an incredible relationship with Sam as she felt at ease and more comfortable in her own skin for the first time in her life. She was starting to see having imperfections the key to growing and becoming a better person. It was if she had finally faced the demons which she had held onto for so long, especially the demon which made her feel that it was her job to please everyone. Her only reservation now, was facing the team, and not having something such as an eating disorder and being known as cutter affect her career. She was once again ready to begin making a difference in other people's lives. _At least I'm going to strive too._

She had packed the night before, even reminding herself to remember to bring the plant Sam gave her the day before as she headed to check herself out and do one last group therapy session to say good bye to everyone. At first she did not think it was possible, but she had developed a lot of close friends during her month stay at the clinic.

As much as she dreaded group therapy and even the private therapy sessions, she had also grown accustomed to them. Jules had learned to have a better appreciation for it, and it gave her some comfort knowing there were people who understood and could relate to her struggles with food and coping with her feelings, even when the circumstances that brought all of them together varied.

"_Okay Jules are we ready?" _she asked herself once again staring at her reflection. She then took a deep breath and headed down the halls of the clinic, but was then taken back as she heard a familiar voice coming from the restricted area of the clinic.

"Just shut up and don't move!" A female voice desperately screamed. "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven"

Jules then heard two shots fired as a swarm of nurses, hospital orderlies and people she assumed were patience came rushing towards her running for cover._ "Run!" "Run" she_ could hear the people mutter as they passed her.

Her instinct and training naturally kicked in as she headed towards the room where the shots were fired. As she passed the nurses station, she noticed a cell phone left on the counter. Jules grabbed the phone and quickly dialed Sam's cell phone number as she slowly proceeded to enter one of the rooms which she recognized as being set up similar to where her group therapy sessions were held. _I guess other than being more locked up; they still made you talk on this side of the hospital._

Slowly approaching the room, Jules' surveys the area and motions additional people she sees cowering under the desk and small spaces of the hospital to exit for safety. Not having anytime to determine if Sam had picked up her call, she placed the cell phone in her coat pocket to free her hands as she recognized Penny Westler as the subject pointing a gun to her head.

"Stay away from me" she continued to say as she realized a couple of hospital orderlies slowly trying to approach her and disarm her.

Jules motions the hospital workers to back down as she identifies herself as an SRU officer.

"Penny. Do you remember me? My name is Jules and I'm the police officer who helped you go home to your parents. Remember Penny?" Jules calmly mentioned.

"Penny please. Please put the gun down. Let's talk about this" she continued to say attempting to calm Penny down.

As Jules distracts Penny one of the male orderly decides to jump her in a heroic effort to disarm her. They struggle as they fight to take possession of the fire arm. In the struggle multiple rounds are fired towards an innocent bystander. In reaction Jules rushes and throws herself over the young girl as they hit the floor to dodge the incoming bullets. As she does so, the cell phone in her pocket is damaged and her call to Sam gets disconnected.

Some how in the struggle Penny manages to over power the hospital orderly and reclaim possession of the firearm although the middle aged man was twice her size.

"Sit down!" Penny screamed in tears, and then proceeded to push the young man away from her. She then pointed the gun at her temple.

Regaining her composure, Jules again tries use her negotiating skills to engage another coversation with Penny.

"Penny….you don't want to this." Jules sternly remarked. "Penny, look at me. Please Penny."

"Why are you here?" Penny semi glanced walking further away from her as she continued to point the gun at herself.

"I needed help, just like you Penny" Jules calmly answered in hopes of bringing Penny's state in SRU terms from Red to yellow.

"You told me it would be prettier in this great big world. Prettier than the one in my room" she said back to Jules teary eyed. "But it's not."

Penny then begins reciting another verse she had memorized from a book she had been transcribing during her 8 year captivity with Gerald..

"_Me miserable! Which way shall I fly? Infinite wrath and infinite despair? Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell."_

Stunned Jules sighs and takes a breath. She assumed the verse is another verse Penny learned from the book _Paradise Lost_ they had found Penny with when her and the team rescued her.

She then proceeds to slowly walk closer to Penny.

"I'm really sorry things have been tough for you Penny" Jules continued to say. "I'm here to help you Penny but I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"How could you not know what's wrong?" Penny answered.

"Don't Move!" she yells as she saw another hospital orderly trying to make a heroic move to take her down.

"I'm a freak. How can I still love Gerald after everything he has done to me?" she yelled out to Jules.

"My parents, they sent me here. I've been locked up for eight years, and here I am being locked up again." She said as she broke down in tears.

_Connect, protect, and respect. _Jules quietly reminded herself.

Within minutes, she realizes a familiar figure standing next to her.

"Ready to do this again." Sam winked at her, relieved to see that she was okay.

"Here." He said to her, as he gestured for her to put the earwig on as he continued to aim his gun directly for Penny.

"Welcome back. Is it already time for a Jules Day?" Ed smirked as he approached Jules from the left to provide additional cover.

"Jules, can you hear me" Greg commented.

"Copy Boss" she replied. "You're not coming in?"

"No Jules. I want you to continue to negotiations." Greg sighed "But, I'm going to be right here Jules, as your second" He said through his headset.

"You did it before, you can do it again and I'm right here if you need me." He reassured her.

"Lou, what's the parents' ETA?" Greg asked. "We need to know what has been going on the last couple of weeks since she's been home?"

"A Constable just picked them up, they should be here in 5" Lou responded.

Within a few minutes Lou and Greg looked at each other as the sound of multiple shots being fired were heard.

"Officer down! Officer Down" Sam yelled out. "We need paramedics in here."

**TBC**

**SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING. AND SORRY FOR THE CLIFF HANGER AND FOR THIS CHAPTER DRAGGING. WILL GET TO THE POINT NEXT CHAPTER AND WRAP THIS STORY UP.**

**PLEASE REVIEW, EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS CHAPTER....BECAUSE I DON'T.**

**THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY VERY FIRST FANFIC.**

.


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12**

Wordy stared down from the skyline of the hospital to be a secondary back up in case an explosive entry was required by Team One to protect the hostages inside the clinic from Penny Westler.

With Spike's assistance, Wordy begins to set up the camera pole to gain better visibility inside the room, and in doing so the old thinning foundation of the clinic's roof top slowly caves in unexpectedly.

He suddenly crashes down into the room falling 7 to 8 feet unassisted by a safety line. His accidental entry startles Penny into firing multiple rounds hitting Wordy in the leg.

"Officer down, Officer down" Sam yelled out, "We need paramedics in here!"

"What's going on guys?" Greg asked wanting the details of which of his officer's are down.

"It's Wordy, Boss" Spike replied. "Portion of the skyline caved in, looks like his been hit in the leg"

"Boss, I have the solution" Ed Lane whispered as he continued to focus his weapon on Penny.

"Copy Ed. Your call, your call" Greg responded. "Jules, you need to contain this."

Before Jules could answer, Penny begins to hallucinate mistaking Wordy who was laying on the floor holding onto his left leg for Gerald. She points the gun at his head in tears.

"Why Gerald? Why" she screamed in emotional turmoil as Wordy stared at the barrel of the gun being pointed at him at close range.

"Without you no life". She continued to say.

"Penny, you need to look at me" Jules said. "The man in front of you, his name is Constable Kevin Wordsworth."

"Penny, Gerald is not here. He was killed remember so that you could be free? She asserted.

"Are you telling me I'm crazy" Penny lashed out.

Jules nodded in disagreement. "No Penny, I would never call you crazy."

"But I think you're hurting and things are really confusing for you right now. Please, let me help you Penny." She continued to say sympathetically.

Penny looked down at Wordy, as he looked back into her eyes to help further identify with her.

"My name is Kevin Wordsworth, and I'm a husband and father to 3 young girls" he said in an attempt to connect with her and to help reassure her that he was not Gerald Duglin.

She slowly puts the gun down as Jules puts herself between her and Wordy. She motions Spike who is now also in the room to help Sam pull Wordy out to safety as she continues to talk to a distraught Penny.

"_Good job, Jules" she hears Greg voice saying through her ear wig. "Keep getting her to yellow"._

For several hours with Sam and Ed's weapons drawn and aimed at Penny, Jules continues negotiations attempting to get the gun from Penny who continued to threaten to use it on herself. Jules knew she had a connection with the young girl and even more so now as she listened to Greg and Lew interviewing Penny's parents and getting the details of what the last several months had been like for her.

"_Mr. and Mrs. Westler, I need you to tell us everything that has been going on the last couple of months. We need to help your daughter choose to come out" Greg communicated to Penny's parents._

"_We thought sending her to a normal school like the therapist advised us would help ease her back into society. And everything looked fine, until we caught Penny cutting herself and hiding food. We couldn't get her to eat or stop cutting….we had not choice but to take her here. We lost her once already, we can't lose her again."_

"You're parents are telling me how difficult it's been for you." She told her. "High school can be really tough."

"My parents' don't know me and neither to those kids at school" Penny answered her back. "I'm tired of being forced to be happy, when I'm not."

"All I want is for those eight years with Gerald to disappear." She cried out. "But how do I tell my parents that I also miss him. I loved him"

"I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm dirty. I am and I'm so ashamed. Do you know how much I hate myself? She continued to cry out.

"_We thought she was okay. We want to know what happened and we want her to talk about it with us. But we didn't want to push her if she wasn't ready. We do care. We just want our little girl back."_

"I know it feels like that Penny" Jules cautiously moved closer to her. "But you're parents they didn't know what to do either. All they want is for you to be happy."

"So when you cut yourself or binge and purge does it feel like your free? The pain you inflict, if you triumph over it, it feels so freeing and powerful doesn't it" Jules asked bluntly knowing if she hadn't caught the attention of her teammates before she definitely did now.

Penny looked at her in silence.

"As if for once you were in control and invincible" she proceeded moving even more close to Penny.

In bewilderment Penny replies back to her, "Yeah, that's exactly how it feels."

"I can't compare or even know what it feels like to have gone through what you have gone through" she said as she reached her hand to get Penny to place the gun in her hands.

"But I can tell you about a little girl, who lost her mom. And how all she wanted was for everyone to believe she was going to be okay and not affected by it. So she pretended she was, and grows up not realizing it's okay to be sad and that it is okay to make mistakes and for people to be upset with you. It's okay not to be _perfect." _She glanced over at Ed while still managing to keep an eye on Penny.

"It won't be easy Penny. But this place, it saved me from myself. I realized Penny that who I am it has to be enough for me and for everyone else around me. I thought that if I let my teammates know I was scared or sad, that they wouldn't like me anymore or think I was weak. So I would never tell them and pretend to be okay. Just like I did for my dad and my brothers" Jules sighed getting teary eyed herself.

"My boyfriend thinks I wanted to give him up over the SRU team. But the truth was, I didn't want to risk him not loving me or liking me anymore if I wasn't an SRU sniper and I was just a regular girl or on a different team." She said as she caught Sam's gaze.

There was dead silence within the team as they continued to listen to Jules looking as they looked at each other with a bit of shame for not realizing what was really going on with her.

"You're not crazy Penny. And you're going to grow up and become a remarkable woman." Jules added looking Penny in the eye.

"You just need help getting taught how to manage those feeling inside. Instead of handling things like you're still 8 years old trying to survive life with your kidnapper?" She is now an inch away from Penny and takes the gun from her.

Penny breaks down and started hugging Jules as she continues to whisper in her ear. "I'm not going to let you down or leave you once this is all over. I'm going to be here I promise". She continued to say as she hugged Penny back and notices the look of relief on her teammates faces.

"_That's a really good job Jules" Greg whisper's in a fatherly tone._

*******HOURS LATER, SRU WOMAN'S LOCKER ROOM******

She hears a familiar knock on the locker room door as proceeded to organize her locker.

"Decent" she yells out as she see's Sam standing next to her.

"You did great today!" he smiled at her "Welcome back!"

"Thanks" she smiled back at him as she notices that she had yet to find out what was in the other 2 lockers Sam had locked up for her.

"So am I ever going to find out what else is in these two lockers that I can cross of my to do list?" she asked him playfully.

"Are you ever going to tell me what your #1 is?" he replied back challenging her.

They sit on the locker room bench together as she takes his hand and looks at him.

"My #1 is to get married and have something as amazing as what my parents had." She gazed into his eyes.

"That's what I figured" he grinned. " So let's open the lockers".

To Jules' surprise locker#3 contained several cans of paint thinner, santarini blue paint, and more dry wall mix.

"I know that was on your to do list for renovations and not exactly your life plan" Sam chuckled.

"Thanks, smart ass" Jules replied elbowing him.

When she opened locker number one it contained a sign that had in big letters which read:

"TURN AROUND AND SAY YES"

As she turned around, there before her was Sam on his knees with the most beautiful ring she had ever seen.

**TBC - BY THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS STORY**

**THANKS TO IHEARTFLASHPOINT FOR EDITING. I FORGIVE YOU NOW FOR KILLING JULES AND HAVING SAM HURT HIMSELF. REALLY I FORGIVE YOU. (HEE HEE HEE)**

**PLEASE REVIEW EVERYONE!!!! THANKS FOR READING AS ALWAYS!!!**


	13. EPILOGUE

**WARNING: SNOW WHITE/PRINCE CHARMING HEADS OFF AND LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER. I WANTED IT THAT WAY. SO THERE!!! (lol)**

**THANKS TO IHEARTFLASHPOINT FOR THE EDIT HELP....I CONTINUE TO FORGIVE YOU FOR KILLING JULES AND NOW TORTURING ME WATCHING SAM ATTEND HER FUNERAL. YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!**

**THIS ONE IS FOR YOU JUSTICEROCKS!!**

**FINAL CHAPTER**

*********1 YEAR LATER*******

Penny Westler and Jules Callaghan stared at the sign of their new organization with extreme enthusiasm.

"We did it!" Jules said gleefully "I know I keep saying this, but I'm so proud of you Penny. Your parents' all of us, we can't tell you enough how proud we are and what an example to other's you've become."

"Thanks for not giving up on me" Penny smiled at Jules. "And for the record, you're not so bad yourself."

"Do you think you'll miss being a SRU Sniper?" she asked Jules playfully.

"Nah, I'm excited about the career change. Plus it will allow me to start a family with Sam right away." She answered as she grabbed Penny's hands and lead her to the corridor.

"You ready to make a difference?" Jules glanced back at Penny as they entered the room to welcome new patience.

It had been exactly one year since Sam proposed to her in the SRU locker room, and in that year a lot of positive changes had happened to Jules Callaghan. She stuck by Penny through the most difficult parts of her recovery while she maintaining her own.

Now the day before her wedding she was greeting people sitting where she once sat suffering from an eating disorder, self inflicted violence or both. She was finally doing what she wanted to do, and not what she thought she had to do such as being the mirror image of her deceased mother.

Starting today she would help those recover by mentoring and being an example for those who can't even begin to see recovery at the end of the road. _And then starting tomorrow, I'll be Mrs. Julianna C. Braddock._

Penny started tapping Jules on the shoulders while waving a hand in front of her eyes, "Hello, Jules…..are you still in there?" she smiled.

"Ahhh….yeah" Jules replied, embarrassed that she begun to day dream. "Sorry, I…aahh"

"No need to explain. If I were the bride to be, I would be day dreaming too" Penny laughed as she cut her off.

"I think the bride to be needs her beauty sleep." She continued to tell Jules. "Go on get out of here."

"You'll be there right? With your parent's" Jules asked.

"We wouldn't miss it" she replied as she watched Jules head towards the exit sign of the clinic.

*****WEDDING DAY*********

Jules stared at her reflection in the mirror turning from side to side admiring her white Cinderella wedding gown. Although nothing could take away the happiness she felt, there was still a small part of her that was saddened by the fact her mother was not present.

_I wish you were here mom. You would love Sam. He's just like dad._

Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in" Jules yelled out as the door opened and she caught herself grinning from ear to ear at the sight of her father standing before her.

"Well how do I look?" she asked still looking at herself in the mirror from every angle.

He had to take a moment to catch his breath before he could answer.

"You look beautiful baby girl." Jack Callaghan said. "Absolutely breath taking, Julianna."

Her father was completely blown away by her beauty. She looked so elegant and he was mesmerized by the light in his little girl's eyes. A light he had not seen in her, since his wife passed away.

"Daddy?" Jules asked concerned over his silence and the tears forming in his eyes.

Jack nodded letting Jules know there was nothing to be concerned about.

"Sorry. I just wish your mother was here to see this" he said to her.

"Me too Dad" she answered as she held his hands.

"Well, I wanted to give this to you." He told her as he pulled out a platinum diamond cut bracelet.

"It was your mothers." He said as he looked into his daughter's eyes. "Look it will look perfect in that dress, princess."

"I love you daddy" Jules answered as she hugged her him.

The moment was soon interrupted when she caught a glimpse of some of the members of team one entering her bridal room.

"Sorry we didn't mean to interrupt this Kodak moment" Wordy chuckled.

"Yeah, we just wanted to give you a hug and congratulate you" Greg added as he pulled Jules into another hug.

"Today definitely looks like a _Jules day" _Ed laughed, "You're definitely look calmer than the groom."

"Thanks" she smiled. "Where's Lew and Spike?"

"With the groom" Greg laughed out loud with Wordy and Ed.

"They are both taking their best man duties very seriously you know?" Ed implied.

"Okay well, as my last day as Jules Callaghan we need to get this show on the road" she said jokingly as she elbowed Ed. "I'm never late, and I'm not about to be late for my own wedding"

As they all headed out of the room to get to the main lobby for the church, Jules stopped as she heard her cell phone ringing in her purse.

"I'll catch up with you guys" she announced. "It's not like they can start without me."

She picked up her cell phone to seeing Sam's phone number on the caller id.

"Hello" she answered.

"I just wanted to wish you good luck on becoming Mrs. Braddock" Sam playfully told her knowing he would get a smart ass reaction back from her.

"That's Mrs. Callaghan-Braddock" she said sarcastically. "See you soon"

"See you soon" He said as he took a deep breath and motioned for Spike and Lew that it was time to head out and get hitched.

As the lobby doors opened Sam could not take his eyes off of Jules as the wedding march started playing on the organ of the church. He watched her staring back at him as her father walked her towards him and she reached out for his hand.

Both of them stood in front of the church podium gazing into each other's eyes as their wedding ceremony began. Time seemed as if it had stood still, and then Sam Braddock was finally given permission to kiss his bride.

"I love you Julianna Callaghan Braddock" he smirked at her.

During the limo ride to the reception, Jules looked at Sam and said "Will you be ready for #2?"

Sam looked at his new bride uncertain as to what the punch line would be.

"You know? Number 2 to witness a miracle" she continued to tell him knowing she was being cryptic.

"I know that sweetheart" He said as he tried to fight the smile forming on his face as he anticipated the cryptic meaning of her statement.

"Are you?"

"Yes, we're having a baby."

He pulled his bride even closer as he profusely kissed in her unable to contain his excitement.

"This is definitely a Jules' day." she smiled in Sam's arms as she continued to kiss him.

**THE END**

**THANKS FOR EVERYONE PUTTING UP WITH MY FIRST FANFIC EVER!!**

**PLEASE REVIEW, AND IF YOU LIKE THIS ENDING WISH JUSTICEROCKS A HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON YOUR REVIEW!!!**


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